3 Days After Surgery

I took the gauze off her face yesterday. It was there to catch the dripping blood. She has tape strips under her nose. I am not allowed to wet it or take it off. This is self-removing strip. It will come out when she the stitched area has healed.

I know this is going to sound awful, but I miss her old face. It was not too bad for me to see her when she had the gauze on it. As soon as I took it off, I saw this new nose and mouth. It was nice and the doctor did an amazing job, but it's awful at the same time. I hope this does not sound terrible of me to say that, but I really miss her face. It's as if someone took my baby away. I hope this is normal and I am not the only one who has felt this way after cleft lip and nose repair surgery.

Yesterday in the late afternoon, I had to feed her with a syringe. I think she was hurting and could not nurse. Later, I had to hold her head in place for a bit to get her to try to eat. She did eat some. Today, she did a good job. I hope her normal appetite comes back. I am worried it will make my milk supply dwindle. However, fenugreek is an amazing herb! It does bring back the supply of milk. I had to pump last night. She slept through the night too. I woke up at 6 am a bit freaked out. I thought she had died or something. She did not make a sound. Ugh! Paranoia is not a very nice thing when you are a mother.

She is doing amazing though. I did not give her any more pain meds after yesterday afternoon. She does not seem to need it. The only thing she is taking now is her antibiotic. That stuff (to me) smells like cat pee. It's terrible. I was getting ready to tell my husband how we need to get rid of the cat for peeing in the room. I must have dropped some on the baby because I smelled cat pee near her. Poor cat! Getting blamed for something he did not do. I was laughing when I realized it was the medicine.

I am surprised at how much harder it has been on me then on my baby. I had heard this is how it is for some families and it is true in our case. With this baby it has been just a roller coaster of bitter anticipation....."The ultra sound came back and showed your baby has a cleft." ...."We are not sure about the palate."...."This was my worst labor of all my children."...."Her surgery has been set for June 22."...."She will need a bone graft at around 6 or 7."...."If her septum is still deviated we will need to fix this at age 14 or 15."

Through all of this my baby has been an amazing child. Such a mellow, peaceful, tranquil baby are some of the descriptions I have heard said of her. She is worth every bit of the ride this roller coaster has taken me. I love her dearly and would not change anything of my experience with her in all the world. My family is very blessed to have her here with us and she has taught me much so far and I am ready to learn any other lesson she has to teach me.